


Teachers from Hell

by hangoverhater



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Crack, Gen, High School AU, Not exactly AU, or something like that
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-27
Updated: 2015-05-29
Packaged: 2018-04-01 14:43:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4023775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hangoverhater/pseuds/hangoverhater
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which a few people from the FF7-universe try their hand at substitute teaching.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Russian with Rude

**Author's Note:**

> This is a series I started waaaay back in vocational school. My friend and I had a wonderful time imagining if, for example, Rude would be our substitute teacher for a class. This is what happened after that. This was originally posted on deviantart, but I've decided to transfer my works from there to here. Have fun!

The classroom was filled with happy chattering, a high-pitched shriek here and there wasn't anything out of the ordinary.

Everyone silenced when the teacher stepped into the room.

A tall man wearing a dark blue suit and a pair of sunglasses walked towards the teacher's desk with steady footing, not faltering when he stepped on a dent on the floor. He stopped as he reached the said piece of furniture and turned to face the now silent class full of students.

He cleared his throat. Everyone expected him to introduce himself and spend the rest of class telling stories from his school days, but the man remained silent. He merely reached into his pocket, making the whole class gasp in expectation.

He pulled out a pair of leather gloves, and set them on the desk.

The braver students began to furiously write up messages to their friends, wondering about the new substitute teacher's odd behaviour. The not so brave ones merely quivered in their seats.

Finally, the man opened his mouth.

"I'm Rude. I will teach you Russian for the next 3 hours."

With that, the man turned to write on the chalkboard words in russian and their translations.

Students were, using the term lightly, disturbed.

"Hey what the hell, man? Ain't ya supposed to, like, yap 'bout stuff?"

Rude stopped writing and turned around. He took a pointer and held it over a word.

The classroom's teenage population ogled him. Even the smart ones were frazzled. A hesitant hand was raised, and Rude nodded towards the person.

A girl with glasses lowered her hand and voiced her question with a shy voice.

"Uh... Are we supposed to say the word when you point it?"

Rude nodded again. A collective sigh was heard throughout the room. Lazily a 'dasvidanija' was heard from the vocal chords of the already bored students. Slowly but surely all ten words Rude had written on the board were repeated by them.

A boy in the back corner began chewing on a pice of gum.

Big mistake.

Rude whirled around on the first popping sound a gumball made. His glare was hidden by the shades as he pulled on the first leather glove. Everyone went silent, and the boy swallowed his gum.

"No eating in class."

He turned back towards the board, wiped away the words he'd written and wrote ten new ones in their place.

As the scent of nailpolish came to his nose, Rude's eye twitched. He whirled around again and walked up close to a pretty blonde girl polishing her nails. She looked up and immediatly stopped when Rude pulled on the other glove.

"No. Polishing. Nails. In. Class."

The girl noddded frantically, and Rude walked back to the board to finish his writing.

 

\--Three hours later--

 

The classroom emptied in an instant when the bell rang. Everyone ran away as fast as they could. Rude came out of the room a few minutes later, fixing his tie.

In his mind, there was one thought.

'I'm not covering for Reno ever again.'


	2. Russian with Sephiroth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sephiroth's teaching methods are... interesting?

Another day, another russian class with a substitute teacher. After the scarring lesson with the person called 'Rude' as a substitute, the students were awaiting in pure terror. Some had turned religious after last week, and were currently praying for a normal whiny substitute.

The door opened. Everyone silenced in anticipation. You would've been able to hear a feather fall to the floor. 

A man stepped into the room. Long silver hair swayed in the non-existant wind and a firm hand gripped the handle of a long sword.

Their first impression was a shared thought. 'How can anyone wear so much leather and so little clothes in the same time?'

The second one was 'it's not allowed to bring weapons to school.'

The man glared at the ogling teenagers with pure contempt.

"Listen up, ignorants. I am Sephiroth, the Dark Overlord of the Planet, your substitute teacher for the day."

The talking that ensued from the announcement would've made a power drill pale in shame. Everyone either laughed or ridiculed the title he'd clearly given to himself. This made Sephiroth's eye twitch. "Don't attack, remember the anger management seminar you were forced to take yesterday by the imbecile everyone likes to call President..." He counted to ten in his head and actually managed to calm himself.

"Quiet, imbeciles. Don't make me tell you twice."

His words held no effect on the chittering teens. He felt a vein pop in his head.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FECES OF INCOHERENT CANINES!!!!!"

Now it was silent as the grave again. Sephiroth smirked in satisfaction.

"Good. Now, open up your books and start reading. And be quiet. I'm not going to say it nicely next time."

A hand was raised. Sephiroth glared at the person. He sighed.

"Yes, person with the obnoxiously coloured shirt?"

A girl wearing a pink hello kitty shirt blushed fiercely.

"U-uh... I was just wondering... From which page should we begin reading?"

Sephiroth looked at her blankly, like he was saying 'and this is why you decided to bother me?'

"Do I look like I give a shit? Just open the damn thing and start reading, dimwit."

\-- _An hour later_ \--

Sephiroth was busy polishing his Masamune when he heard someone giggle. He looked up from behind his silvery bangs to see the source of the offending sound. A girl with pigtails was reading a note. He let out a low growl of warning that went unnoticed by the said idiot. The girl started to scribble on a note of her own. Sephiroth squinted his eyes.

"Hey, suicide candidate. Focus on the book instead of that note you're writing."

The girl let out a 'meep' as she nodded and quickly stuffed the note in her pocket. Sephiroth went back to polishing his dear Masamune.

\-- _5 minutes later_ \--

The girl tried to regain the note from her pocket to answer her friend. Instead of the note, she lifted her head to see the tip of the sword two inches from her nose.

"Are you sure you want to do that?"

She shook her head frantically.

"Good. Resume the reading before I change my mind."

She nodded her head and the hunky SOLDIER withdrew his weapon.

\-- _20 minutes later_ \--

A blond-haired boy in the back row yawned and leaned back in his chair. Sephiroth's attention was immediately on him.

"Did you read the book already or are you failing miserably at comprehending the text?"

The boy smirked.

"I'm tired of reading. You'd better think of something else."

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow.

"Hmm? Are you, by any chance, a rich brat?"

A nod. Sephiroth snorted and flipped back his bangs.

"I should've known. You rich kids always think so highly of yourself. Guess what, wormfood? I think you're not worthy of licking blood from the soles of my boots. Get back to reading."

Stubbornly the boy held his ground. He didn't make a move towards the book. Sephiroth calmly stood up and walked over to the boy with a menacing aura. A smarter person would've sucked up their pride by the moment he got up from the chair, but unfortunately for him, the boy was an idiot. Smiling a sickeningly sweet smile, Sephiroth took the boy by his throat and held him in the air.

Now the idiot realised how big of an idiot he was.

"H-hey!! you can't do this!!"

Sephiroth chuckled darkly.

"Just watch me. If you won't resume your reading the moment I put you down, I swear by Jenova's name I will hang you from the lamp and feed you your filthy legs. Did I make myself clear?"

The boy nodded in panic, and Sephiroth dropped him. Immediatly the boy grabbed the book and started reading. The silver-haired man snickered in sadistic satisfaction as he walked back to the chair he'd been forced to separate from by the self-absorbed dickwad's need for discipline.

\-- _10 minutes go by_ \--

Sephiroth streched his arms as he stood up, making the whole class tremble in fear. He enjoyed the effect he had on those kids.

"Listen up, mishaps. Close your books."

A collected sound of book covers closing.

"I'm holding a pop-quiz. I point you, ask a question, you answer. If you answer correctly, I move onto the next person in line. If your answer is incorrect, I will ask you another question. Consequences from being wrong again are determined by how far off on the subject you were."

He pointed the first person with Masamune. 

"What is the translation for the word 'zdrastvuite'?"

"H-hello?"

"Correct."

He pointed another one. The girl with the obnoxious shirt.

"What terms did I use while introducing myself earlier?"

The girl blinked.

"I thought you were going to ask a question about russian?"

"I didn't specify a subject I'd me questioning you about. Now answer, or do I have to take that as a failure to aswer?"

"U-uh..... Sephiroth, the Dark Overlord of the Planet?"

"Incorrect. What I said was 'I am Sephiroth, the Dark Overlord of the Planet, YOUR SUBSTITUTE TEACHER FOR THE DAY'. First one wrong. Second question: Can you spell 'Incomprehension'?"

"...I-N....C-O-M-P-R-E....H-E...-N-S-H-I-O-N."

"INCORRECT!!!! 'I-N-C-O-M-P-R-E-H-E-N-S-I-O-N' is how you spell it. Now, to the matter of your punishment. Since you only had one letter wrong, I shall give you only two hours of detention. Now, onto the next victim..."

Eyes blazing in sadistic glee, he pointed Masamune at the next terrified student. He grinned, and added a ton of sugar in his voice.

"What's the capital of Finland?"

"I'm so sorry I don't know!!!!!!"

"INCORRECT!!!!! The answer is Helsinki. Next question: what's the plural form of the word 'moose'?"

"...moose?"

"Correct."

The boy sitting next to the girl was close to wetting himself when Sephiroth turned Masamune towards him.

"How do you say 'what's your name' in russian?"

"K-kak vas zavut."

"Correct."

\-- _10 minutes later_ \--

Multiple questions and multiple varieties of punishments later the teens filed out of the classroom, traumatized beyond belief. Sephiroth walked out and locked the door after himself, smiling delightfully on his way out.


	3. Computer Programming with Reno

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is a lesson in computer programming. Or, you know, not.

When class 3-C heard they were having yet another substitute to teach them computer programming, there was a gasp of terror from the entire class simultaneously. After the devastating 2-hour russian session with Sephiroth (the Dark Overlord of the Planet nontheless), they'd learned not only russian but also a very important life lesson: never, under any circumstances, mess with a person holding a 72 inch sword.

In other words, a deep sense of self-preservation overcame class 3-C.

When the feared day of a new substitute teacher emerging from the pitch black void of Hell came, everyone, even the poor rich kid, was popping open bottles of relaxants for their anxiety. They sat infront of their computers, almost not daring to move.

After the first fifteen minutes of waiting, half of the class had their computers opened and were surfing on various sites.

Another fifteen minutes later the rest of them were also busily mushing out the rest of their brains online. 

By the time the first hour was almost up, they began wondering where their teacher was. 

Not like they wanted to really know anyway. They were content enough when there wasn't a scary guy with leather gloves or a huge guy waving an even bigger sword bullying them.

Finally, when there was only half an hour of class left, a red-haired man staggered into the room. Everyone looked up, guys immediately jealous and girls immediately attracted.

The man looked around. He was wearing a messy dark blue suit and a pair of goggles on his forehead to keep his fiery red bangs out of his hair. He glanced at the crumpled note in his hand.

"Uh, are y'all class 3-C? Sorry I'm late, I got a killer hangover, yo."

A snicker from the back corner. The red-head threw the now useless note at him, hitting the poor guy straight between his eyes. The girls swooned.

"Oi! Just 'cause I got a hangover doesn't mean I can't hear ya, yo. Uh, so, um... The name's Reno, and I'll be your sub for.... Er... half an hour, so I don't know, do what ya do in these classes, yo."

Doing as they were told to, everyone went back to surfing online. Reno himself took a seat infront of the teacher's computer and went online. Being Reno, the sites he frequented weren't exactly child-proof.

To be frank, they were porn.

Reno lit up a cigarette, ignoring the giggles and gasps from the class. He looked up from the monitor when a girl cleared her voice.

"What, yo?"

"You can't smoke in here."

"Why the fuck not, yo?"

"Uh, it's against school policy?"

Reno's cigarette was dropped. This girl was tearing his last nerves. Not to mention her ugly-ass shirt. He never knew so many variations of pink even existed.

"Look, ya look like you're gonna be a nice piece o' tail when ya grow up. I'd hate to rip your fuckin' head off."

She was stupefied by his potty mouth.

"That's... That's.. That's sexual harassment!!!"

"What! No!! I didn't mean it like that, don't ya know how to take a fuckin' compliment?"

The girl got up and ran away crying. Reno rubbed his head, feeling guilty.

"Aw, fuck, would someone go after her? This is not a good way to start a day, yo..."

Reno lit up a new cigarette, opening a window this time. He eyed the class.

"Next one to whine'll get 200 volts from my little friend here."

He tapped the mag rod hanging from his waist.

"Now you're threatening us?"

A boy from the center section voiced his thoughts. Reno snapped his cigarette in half. His nerves were now officially gone. He took a lungful of air and started yelling.

"What the fuck have I ever done to you, yo?!?!? All I wanted is a quiet place to nurse my head but what do I get?? A class full o' whining retards, yo!!! I got a massive headache and my ass is sore and all you wet-behind-the-ears can do is bitch and moan about me smoking! Get the fuck outta here before I shock the shit outta you, yo!!!!" 

When the cloud of dust disappeared, only Reno was left in the room. He sighed in annoyance. He fished out his phone and dialed a number.

"Yo, 's me, boss-man. Can I get the rest of the day off? ......... Why not?........I've been working! .............. How do ya know, yo?...... oh. Oh. ........... Um.... Can I still get the day off, yo? I got a hangover. ........ Yo, it's your fault I got drunk in the first place. ........ What? Duh. I had bodyguard duty, and you went to a bar. ........ Well excuse me for being a responsible worker!! ..... Quit laughing so hard yo, you're making my ears bleed."


End file.
